Scary news

Well, 

I was trying to figure out for a couple days how I was going to write this stuff out and wasn't even sure if I wanted to post it online. But, after some thinking, I realized I need to be able to vent about all of this and be able to let others to find comfort if they are going through the same thing.

October 8th, 2013 I had to go to the doctor for test results. I had a pap smear done the week before and was told I had a UTI (ew) and was give antibiotics to help kill it. I was also put onto birth control which I had been off of for awhile. Anyways, my husband and I went to the doctor to get the results of the pap. I was thinking if anything the doctor was going to tell me I had a yeast infection or at the very worse that I had some nasty STD that would go away within a month. Well, that's not how it went at all.

The nurse brought us into the back room which I thought was a bit odd but figured maybe the others were filled up. The doctor came in and very calmly told me that I have HPV and that the pap came back abnormal. She informed me that I have cancer cells on my cervix.....CANCER. No no no. I can't have cancer.....thats just not okay. When she said that word, my brain stopped and I just couldn't listen to her, everything became surreal and I wanted to cry but couldn't because I was still in shock. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?! I was freaking out but didn't know what to do or what to say. Thankfully my husband was asking questions (which I don't remember).

The doctor said that I would need to come back in a week to see another doctor who would schedule a surgery because I would need to have a cone biopsy. Which is were they put me under and take a piece out of my cervix in order to send it to pathology and find out what stage the cancer is in.

I am going to be really honest...I am scared. I don't get scared over a lot of things and I am normally very chill with things and calm about stuff. I do not know much of anything right now except that I am scared and I don't know what is going on and won't know until after they do the pathology report. I made a mistake and started to look up stuff online and I just freaked out more because I am reading stuff that I don't even know if I have or will have.

There is a high chance that I will not be able to carry my own children and that's sad. It is a sad thing. My husband is adopted so he is completely okay with adopting eventually but he is a guy so he isn't understand where I am coming from as a woman. I am going to be robbed of the chance to do what my body was biologically designed to do. It is a messed up thing. I haven't told many people about this because I do not know how bad everything is just yet. I don't want people worry too much.

Then again, I don't know if many people will worry. I have told a few people and most of my friends have basically said they are sorry and wish me the best. I am sure it's shocking news for them as well but really? I don't know I am just annoyed that people are not being as supportive as I need them to be. I am frustrated with so many things that are going on right now and I have so many thoughts going through my head.

I have to be honest, I am angry with God or whomever this needs to be blamed on. I have been told "God gives the biggest battles to the strongest soldiers" and I just want to scream at people who say that shit to me. Even people who are trying to help, I want to just scream. I have been through so much shit my whole life and just in the last ten years I have been through 13 surgeries (this cone biopsy will be number 13). My first surgery was when I was age 14. I am DONE with shit. I. AM. TIRED. My body and my mind are exhausted. I just want a fucking break.

People around me who know are trying to keep me positive and I am trying. I really am. It's hard though. Not knowing shit is hard. I don't do well with not knowing things.

I am going to try and just be happy about this good stuff in my life and try to be hopeful.

What I am feeling is normal and I am within my rights to be upset. But I will try.

xo