Sister Wives

For those who have not seen the show it is about a man (Kody) and he is the husband, he has four (yes...4 wives). Meri is the one he married first, then Janelle, then Christine, and then Robyn. They are one big family and each wife had kids with Kody. Robyn had three children from a pervious marriage and last year she and Kody had their first child together; a son.

If you get a chance, check out the show..it is really interesting and I really enjoy it. I had heard about it years ago but was not interested in it and was very confused by that life style, but what do you do when you are confused about something? I don't know about you, but I research things and try to find out as much information as I can about the things I don't understand. Obviously their lifestyle is not the "normal" but really? What is nowadays?

The family now has a total of 18 children and yeah, that is pretty crazy as one would imagine. I cannot even imagine having that many children but it is awesome how well they handle everything. It really is awesome. They are one big family and every child has four moms which would seem a bit odd but it is amazing that they all have so much love for one another.

Obviously there would be jealousy and especially towards the newest wife (Robyn) because she tends to be the favorite or at least in my opinion. She and Kody seem to have a different bond than the rest of the wives and yet there is a strong bond between Meri and Kody as well. Meri is Kody's first wife and I think that is natural to have a strong bond. Meri and Robyn are the closest out of the sisters and tend to have a much stronger and loving bond than Janelle and Christine.

Christine is my favorite, I think. The way she handles things is very much my style and I think I relate the most with her. That is what's so awesome about the show...you get to see one man married to four different women who have different parenting styles and personalities. To me, that much be a crazy life but somehow it just works for them.

Some people have very strong opinions on their family and that it is "wrong" but I find it odd that people are so quick to judge everything. I do not understand why people have to concern themselves with another person's life. If no one is being harmed, who cares? They are happy and I think it is pretty awesome that even with all the stresses, they can all be smart, independent, and all around good people.

While watching the show, I wondered what it would be like if Joshua told me he wanted another wife. Part of me feels as though I would be okay with it because once we have kids, they will have a big family which is something I never had. I love my alone time but I am sure I would be jealous but over time, I think eventually you become close to the sister wives and that could be great support. I don't know, I think that life style is definitely different.

Don't say anything at all.

I was looking online about stuff and came across a post. Someone had commented "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all" and I couldn't help but get annoyed. I don't know, maybe it's just my mind set lately where I think people's petty bullshit problems are just annoying.

Anyways, the comment really struck a nerve. I was thinking of how weak people are nowadays. America is about freedom of speech regardless of who many disagree with it. The person who made the comment was the original poster of the video and I just couldn't help but laugh at it.

It's like saying that people are only allows to say nice things because it helps build you up as a person even if they are full of shit. You want people to just say nice things even if it's not the truth. What the fuck is that about? 

Since when can't someone say what they feel? I get told things all the time that aren't nice...big fucking deal. Grow a pair and quit being a pussy about stuff. I know there is a huge raise in suicides cause kids are being bullied and don't get me wrong, I think bullying is stupid and kids should get smacked for that. 

HOWEVER

There is a difference between someone saying "you're not a good singer" and "you're fat and ugly and should off yourself". Those are completely different things. I'm annoyed. I just don't get why people aren't allowed to share their opinions. 

Fucking pussies. 

Scary news

Well, 

I was trying to figure out for a couple days how I was going to write this stuff out and wasn't even sure if I wanted to post it online. But, after some thinking, I realized I need to be able to vent about all of this and be able to let others to find comfort if they are going through the same thing.

October 8th, 2013 I had to go to the doctor for test results. I had a pap smear done the week before and was told I had a UTI (ew) and was give antibiotics to help kill it. I was also put onto birth control which I had been off of for awhile. Anyways, my husband and I went to the doctor to get the results of the pap. I was thinking if anything the doctor was going to tell me I had a yeast infection or at the very worse that I had some nasty STD that would go away within a month. Well, that's not how it went at all.

The nurse brought us into the back room which I thought was a bit odd but figured maybe the others were filled up. The doctor came in and very calmly told me that I have HPV and that the pap came back abnormal. She informed me that I have cancer cells on my cervix.....CANCER. No no no. I can't have cancer.....thats just not okay. When she said that word, my brain stopped and I just couldn't listen to her, everything became surreal and I wanted to cry but couldn't because I was still in shock. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?! I was freaking out but didn't know what to do or what to say. Thankfully my husband was asking questions (which I don't remember).

The doctor said that I would need to come back in a week to see another doctor who would schedule a surgery because I would need to have a cone biopsy. Which is were they put me under and take a piece out of my cervix in order to send it to pathology and find out what stage the cancer is in.

I am going to be really honest...I am scared. I don't get scared over a lot of things and I am normally very chill with things and calm about stuff. I do not know much of anything right now except that I am scared and I don't know what is going on and won't know until after they do the pathology report. I made a mistake and started to look up stuff online and I just freaked out more because I am reading stuff that I don't even know if I have or will have.

There is a high chance that I will not be able to carry my own children and that's sad. It is a sad thing. My husband is adopted so he is completely okay with adopting eventually but he is a guy so he isn't understand where I am coming from as a woman. I am going to be robbed of the chance to do what my body was biologically designed to do. It is a messed up thing. I haven't told many people about this because I do not know how bad everything is just yet. I don't want people worry too much.

Then again, I don't know if many people will worry. I have told a few people and most of my friends have basically said they are sorry and wish me the best. I am sure it's shocking news for them as well but really? I don't know I am just annoyed that people are not being as supportive as I need them to be. I am frustrated with so many things that are going on right now and I have so many thoughts going through my head.

I have to be honest, I am angry with God or whomever this needs to be blamed on. I have been told "God gives the biggest battles to the strongest soldiers" and I just want to scream at people who say that shit to me. Even people who are trying to help, I want to just scream. I have been through so much shit my whole life and just in the last ten years I have been through 13 surgeries (this cone biopsy will be number 13). My first surgery was when I was age 14. I am DONE with shit. I. AM. TIRED. My body and my mind are exhausted. I just want a fucking break.

People around me who know are trying to keep me positive and I am trying. I really am. It's hard though. Not knowing shit is hard. I don't do well with not knowing things.

I am going to try and just be happy about this good stuff in my life and try to be hopeful.

What I am feeling is normal and I am within my rights to be upset. But I will try.

xo